I finally told her I’ve loved her the wrong way all along…
…and believe me, I loved her. I loved her like I’d loved no one else in all my life. I loved her so intensely it felt like she was what made me breathe, so much so that I felt low on air when she wasn’t around.
I remember the night I was called upon to make use of the power God had placed within me. I remember after I’d prayed, cried and worshiped, I remember being on the altar with even more tears, torn. Torn because my heart lusted after her but it loved and longed for God. I knew the only option I had was to let her go. But I loved her.
I had always hated the idea of letting anyone go. I don’t know that anyone enjoys it but I truly hated it. Not so much for me but more for them. I dreaded the idea of hurting anyone in that manner- breaking anyone’s heart, especially hers. I had begun to live to protect her heart, to cherish it, to strive to make it happy, connect with it more daily and to keep it always smiling. I couldn’t shatter it out of LOVE.
I couldn’t LOVE her enough to break what was wrong for what was right. It couldn’t make sense in our reality, to let her go in order to love her correctly. I’d lose her for sure. She would hate my guts. So, I reasoned it out in the natural. I can’t see God’s breaking heart but I can see hers and her tears. I reasoned and I reasoned. I still knew the pro eternal life choice was to let go…cue some very slowww eye rolling and end on a huge sigh.
It took 3 times to finally love her the right way. The third time being the final one. I did the first time and it ended with me deciding to leave God instead. I didn’t know how to change. I woke up and the routine was to tell her good morning before I even started my own day. So now I wake up and do what exactly. Cry? Yep, I woke up day after day and wept. For 22 days it lasted. That’s how long I fixed my mind on the pain of letting her go instead of on getting closer to God or learning how to love him or be faithful to him. I prayed I cried. I stood in worship I wept. She was in all my thoughts. So I deleted her pictures, I tried not to talk about her, she stopped talking to me after a few tries because my attempt to be Christ like made all our conversations uncomfortable. Now I could see the filth in our conversations, the godlessness in our interactions. It’s as though I turned on a magnifier. That shone ever too brightly on this thing I loved and needed not to hold on to. I lost my friend, because we were also friends. A lot about our friendship and then relationship drove many wedges between my mother and I so I officially had no one to talk to. No one I could be honest about my thoughts and emotions with on the level I could with either of them. So I wept, bitterly.
I broke. I cracked actually. I called her through tears, at her job- I still knew where she’d be on any given day because we had had a code, to check in, so I knew, we knew where either of us would be- and I heard her crack once she recognized my voice. Then I begged. I begged her not to hang up but to agree to a proposal I’d thought up, in the madness of the moment. She agreed to my proposal. I was sadly elated. I was choosing to pursue someone other than the lover of my soul and that hurt my heart but I did it anyway.
She agreed to give me 22 days to win her back. That’s a day for every day that we had been apart. I would over the next few days write her an email a day reminding her why we loved each other. Sent her pictures of “remember when..” and “this day..” and reminded her of things she confided in me about that she wouldn’t have told anyone else. And soon I was allowed to call. I had access to her voice again, even if she didn’t say much. I was winning her trust and heart afresh. I had my love back. My friend and my love. Oh the bittersweet joy I experienced!
We never went back to normal, we were better than normal, we were almost one. As one as we could have been.
The second time was more of an agreement than me trying to love her the right way. The background information is this, we both had boyfriends when we crossed the lines we did. So this time I was taking a step back so we could be solely friends and she could focus on being a better girlfriend to this man she said she loved because he was a good man. I had broken up with the gentleman I was blessed with, I feared I’d ruin him. He was saved too and I saw the road I was choosing and I knew my sins would soon affect him. So, for the sake of his soul I exited the relationship.
In this hiatus from our relationship I met someone else during an international tournament. We fell for the story of the red thread, this comma was put here because I stopped to smile and kinda chuckle at how many lengths I took to rob myself of my own true identity. This story of the red thread is a Japanese folklore I believe, it spoke to two persons meeting and it didn’t matter what point they were in life, that it was fate they would meet and fall for each other as though they knew each other all along. And it sure felt like I knew her before we started out. Note that my “girlfriend” and I had agreed to step back, she’d also been aware I liked this new girl. I talked about her ever so often. Then one day she decided she didn’t agree on me being in a relationship with another person….and she listed all the reasons it made no sense and now she was again hurt. I just had a knack for messing things up. But I had no reason to break up with this girl. Other than the fact that I only chose her because my “girlfriend” wasn’t an option and I felt I ‘had to share my life with someone‘. Yes, I was a Anne Lister fan too.
So now I was in this fast sinking ship of two breaking hearts, one I wanted to spend my life with and one I loved to a lesser extent but I could have spent my life with had the other person not once again become available. I would have never openly expressed my feelings to the second had things not gone how they had with the first. I loved the second with tears in my already torn heart because I didn’t want to learn to love another person I wanted who I was stepping back from. And she (second) saw it and it became an issue. Remember my “girlfriend” and I were still friends, that became an issue once we were in the same place. The person I was to now be with had her reservations about me and my “ex” (I hated that phrase) being in the same place, she feared we would revert to life as we knew it. She wasn’t wrong to feel how she felt but I was determined to brush it off and just allow her to think “crazy” things and be fearful of “nothing”. Why? Of course my “girlfriend”/ friend and I would still be passionately in love with each other. It hadn’t been that long. Of course if she made an advance I wouldn’t resist. I still loved her and loved her intimately at that. Boy I made that girl angry with my blunt honesty (second ie). I remember I told her that very sentiment, that should my “ex” make an advance chances are, I wouldn’t resist. Ha!
It’s as if the moment this woman I started out trying to love the right way decided she was ok with me loving her the wrong way, for forever, said those words (of course not like that though) I started to see every flaw more and more in this other woman I had just started out with. It hurt me to my core to let her go but I had to. I tried to love them both but she wanted all of me until none of me was available. When we finally broke up she (second) decided that she understood how I could love two people at once and was ok with the idea. It was no longer an option though. In all honesty I believed she loved me mostly because of intimacy. She loved having sex with me, and not necessarily everything else about me as much as we got along and had good conversations. I think sex was different and unusual and exciting. I was black and Jamaican haha, of course it was. We are still friends. She told me about her new puppy and her new job and her new partner.
They say the third time is the charm. This time it weighed heavily on my heart. I felt the pull towards God but “my sins were ever before me.”
I begged God to show me how to live this time. How to love him. How to serve him. Not only that. I asked him to take me through it as my strength because I knew I’d fail in my own strength. She and I had numerous conversations and she’d always hint at something being off about us. That we used to know what the other was saying without words, that we understood each other. Now we struggled. I was happy. I was being disconnected. I was well aware of that. I tried to comfort her as I was being separated and I’d always make sure to ask God for the words by the strength of his Holy Spirit in me.
So we got into an argument. One of many we’d grown accustomed to, over nothing mostly but this time it was different. We grew in anger but I could hear the word sounding loudly, audibly in my mind…love is patient, love is kind…love does not keep a record of wrongs…love bears all things…
This wasn’t LOVE. And as we fussed, I broke into prayerful tears begging the love of my heart to keep my heart true to him. I begged him to help me let go and to hold me in him as I did, so that I wouldn’t go running back.
As the words left my lips and entered her ears this quietness erupted. She stopped talking. I heard that familiar hurt and she poured out everything left in her. How I could never come back this time. How I’ve cost her the most hurt in her days. How I’ve been the closest to her and how it made it that much more painful what I was doing, again. She left me messages all night and into the morning. And believe me I prayed while I mourned, all night and morning long.
I held onto the feet of Jesus with this desperation I had never expressed before. I needed him more than I wanted her. I wanted my life to reflect that desperation and love. That I love him more than life itself and I wanted to be reset and repurposed. Where he was the centre of my life and joy.
I prayed without ceasing. I thanked Him for keeping me in him through it because it was not easy. He taught me how to hunger and thirst after him. And this peace came. I missed her but I loved him more in each of those moments. I would tell him how much I loved that he chose me when I thought of how much I loved her. I tell him how much I admire his beauty when I find myself wanting to remember even her smile. I thank him for his embraces through tearful nights when I find myself missing things like her company.
Then a very odd thing happened while I was praying for her soul.
She called me. It’s out of her character to call me after saying she’s done. She called and asked that we start over. The right way. Because she cherished our friendship. If you haven’t noticed by now, I cry a lot and so I cried and I thanked God. When I prayed, I hadn’t asked to be used to help her know his love but he wrote it that way. I still pray over every conversation because my natural will can fall into routines it had grown accustomed to. Like I love you’s with a touch of inappropriateness.
God has preserved our friendship even though we had tainted it. He cleaned it up and blessed it and returned it to us on his terms. We don’t talk as much as we use to but when we do I don’t leave feeling weighed down or like I lost her. I leave mostly thanking God for showing her his love, mercy, grace and favour. She’s asked me how to meet my Jesus. Something else that is out of her character. She’s always said she wasn’t “religious”.
Thing is, God has never called us to religion. But rather to relationship. A love relationship with him. Where we make our selves wholly available to him and he makes himself and the universe available to us. How could I have continued to refuse such a great love? Especially knowing that the rejection of such a great love has an equally great consequence. Hell.
I didn’t choose God to avoid hell. That’s a good perk but no. I did because my heart longed for him. He makes my life make sense with all its jumbled pieces. He gives my life meaning like nothing and no one else ever has. He gives me identity. It gave me peace to love him. As a matter of fact, he chose me.
So I finally love my friend purely. I finally love her with an unconditional free love. She doesn’t have to do anything inclusive of loving me in return, anymore. I just love her. He made me like him. He is love. I am love. Therefore I love.
I used to have this desire to spend my life with someone personally and intimately. He met that need. I have him for eternity and though somedays I feel like I could use a physical body next to mine, I take those moments as opportunities to thank him for being all I need and for his plans for my life that are perfect.
I hope to see her again in person some day soon. Yes, we now live in different climates again. But in Gods time. I pray for her soul and for the soul of every other person I had joined myself to. I pray for my friendships that lacked His touch and I pray for the salvation of every person I’ve ever come in contact with. That we all will know the love of God and meet him in all his glory and embark on the greatest relationship we will ever know. Built on his love and his sacrifice. That we all accept his free gifts of salvation and repentance because he truly does make all things possible.
He makes all things well.
May 14, 2016,