Mi did really wah tump him inna him face. For real. Dead serious. This person You made, that disrespects me and whomever else he chooses. This person I’m called to love. This person that, even when he rubs me wrong, I’m suppose to love him and look like You even then. Nah aah, mi just did wah grab di bwoy and beat him to a pulp. I just wanted so bad to tell him some colourful tasteless things and end maybe with some spit in his face. Anything grandiose and awful enough to reflect what I felt happening on my natural insides. I wanted so badly to look like him, look like them, look like the filth they expect us to accept.
But here was this stronger will that kept calling me to hold my peace, hold my sin inclined tongue. Walk away. Hush up. Don’t say that. That doesn’t look like me.
You know that angry or frustrated level you get to that makes you cry because you just want to explode? I was from zero to there. I screamed, I got as close to his face as my grievance against this stronger will within me restricted me to, against my own forceful fighting natural will. I wanted to pop him in the mouth.
Then I wanted to go Home. I wanted to get away, I remembered I’d been tired, I remembered I felt overwhelmed, all of a sudden I remembered I couldn’t do this. Believe me I cried, but not just cried, I cried out to God. I pleaded for help to take the escape He promised me by His words that bound Him to His truth.
I cried, I sobbed actually. I thanked Him in the in betweens for giving me new words and for diffusing the ones engaged for fire. I got to calling somebody to get me from my house. I got voicemails. I sobbed even more and I prayed even harder, God get me outta here, I just need a minute Lord, just somewhere else for a minute, please. Believe me at least one number I had no business calling came to mind. I’d taken that broad road before. I thank Jesus for the strength He stood in, in me, to withstand mostly myself and my own desires that were ever so tempting and easy and familiar.
I got someone but she was far away. It’s ok. And I hung up with more tears in my eyes. My phone rings and it’s her, for some reason she’s now heading pass my house. What’s going on? You need to get away? For the night, for a little while, how long? I just needed a minute. I couldn’t have just walked it off, I couldn’t go be stuck in those feelings justifying my own responses I had in the arsenal of my natural mind.
Well, she came and got me. I got in the car and the Word spoke to me. “Brush the dust off your sandals…” You know that part in scripture where when you enter a home you should pronounce peace and it should return to you. And if it doesn’t you brush the very dust off your sandals? Well, I’d gotten a different perspective the night before in bible study. That you leave the junk where it is. Don’t take it from there to the next. Leave it there. So I was determined to leave those ill feelings and negative emotions right where they were. Dust my feet off and thank God for the escape.
My witness (that reflection of Christ that I am to be) was preserved and protected by that escape. I’d already screamed, I’d already gotten upset but I did not sin. I was angry and I did not sin, well atleast not on the outside. I repented for the things I thought of saying. I brought them to God saying well I know you saw them and I am sorry they didn’t reflect you, again, but thank you for forgiving me again and pouring into me again and remaking me again and for cleaning me up some more and continuing to shape me into You.
I was so happy I looked like Him in so many ways. I heard His words, saw His escape and took it. Who am I? Lol. I mean, that’s not my natural response. In case you forgot what I would usually look like, go back to the beginning – scroll back to the top. I walked away, victorious. This boy was maaaad rude and rather than let the offense fester or dictate my response, I, by the POWER of the Holy Spirit, loved him instead and walked away. I acknowledged that I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I became humble. Who am I? Ha! Thank you Jesus! I’m beginning to look more and more like You!
Today You were my escape that You empowered me to accept. Today I walked away and weakened self’s will to rule. Thank You for showing up. For foreseeing it. For providing an escape and for sending You’re word.
My feet have been brushed off. The dust of the offense shaken off. I am love. I am free from myself, free from people, free from offense. I am gracious. I am merciful. I am compassionate. I am quick to forgive.
This is a new moment and in this moment I have forgiven, repented and moved forward in love, having left the dusts of a filthy occurrence where it occurred.
We are free. My words are life. My words are for freedom.
God My Escape. I thank You.
May 26, 2016,