I believe that the God I’m in deep affectionate relationship with, IS ABLE. I believe that he is ALL POWERFUL, that he KNOWS EVERYTHING, that he has the POWER TO DO ANYTHING and that he is FULLY PRESENT and FULLY AVAILABLE EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME. I truly do.
I know I am to give him everything, all my thoughts, release all my fears and just allow him to autonomously navigate my life. I know that his PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR. I know that he has good thoughts towards me. I know his plans for me are perfect. I know he is madly in love with me and I even get that he thought I was to die for. My mind though.
I would be lying if I said my mind was a willing participant in the exercise of faith. It really intends in each moment to flex it’s own meagre muscles. To drum up a thought I need not indulge or get started on a storyline that had quite a large serving of flesh and very little spirit attached. My mind often desired to be weighed down. Yes. It wanted to over-think, re-think, think, think, and think.
Problem is, these thoughts were my own and my own thoughts oft refused to join the queue that was God’s will or Word. It just wanted to feel. Remember. Reminisce. Linger. Wade in the waters of whys, hows, how comes, how could theys, how dare hes, whyyyyys, whens…
My mind has stored up a stock pile of thoughts that my heart aches to pour out but my mouth thinks it best to seal. I have, in my moments of weakness surrendered to God. I have taught my reluctant mind to awaken arms up, legs spread, ready for the invasive strip search carried out by the spirit of God. So it knows to show up with its pockets already turned inside out. But on days like these it demands my attention. The things I surrendered have found me in their season demanding to be felt, demanding to be pondered, demanding my attention.
For the first in a long time I heard myself admit to sadness. I spoke the words, “I am sad”. I can’t believe they’d do that. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know what’s an appropriate response. I don’t want to speak to them ever again or vice versa. I want answers. Hmmm I have no idea what her heart feels towards me. Does she love me now? Do they love me now? Am I in the loop? Things are working for my good but I just have to keep believing that. I have to keep asserting that truth. I am here to be the demonstration of Christ’s love. I have to love them while they talk bad about me and even hurt me. I want to go home. I have to stay/grow where I’m planted. I will reap what I sow so I have to sow in love….I will have to live my words so I have to speak solely assertions of God’s truth, about who he says I am and about who he says they all are. I am lonely. I am never alone. I miss them. I am sad but you Lord are my happiness. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
My mind knows to fall in line but this section 13 sealed files of emotions and fears sometimes overwhelms me. These private thoughts and private struggles. Plain and simple, these thoughts and reservations I have about every and anything that you barely get a word out of me about but instead the smile and nod. Because sometimes my mind wants to carry the load I have already casted on Jesus. On days like this I think, it would be nice to be able to call my mother and just talk….,but I’m happy I can strike up an odd conversation about her length of stay for her 4th of July visit rather than ask her to stay with me for a while. It’s a long way, in a good direction, from the thick wall of hate that was our relationship few months aback.
So, on days like this when it’s my season to trust God in despair and in affliction, I have to gird up my loins with his Truth so that I can remind my mind that I am ok. In light of how I feel, and even how things may look, I am actually ok. Believe me, it feels like my mind is overloaded but I know that the same Jesus that told storm winds to hush speaks peace to my mind. As a matter of fact, it is in his name and by his authority that I speak peace into my own mind and over my own life and into those of those around me, near and far.
I can tell I have a few more tears to shed but I know where to run to and on whose chest I can lay listening to a heart that whispers sweet blessings over me.
June 16, 2016,