I’m My Friends Biggest Fear

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That girl. We both liked that girl. That’s me, pain meds numb and high as can be. Super high me.

She wanted me to go to her brothers party. I was having my monthly visitation from mother, the abysmal brute, nature. I wanted to lay in bed with my weed lol. So, as an incentive she got me more weed (hahaha) AND got me taken to this place where I was taken care of. Listen, they had some good stuff. I sat in a room with her brother- because she didn’t smoke- and a few other men and it was just a plethora of green. I was set for take off for weeks.

I was soooo high and soooo out of it by the time we got to the party. I just wanted to lay down and they wouldn’t let me. This ‘friend’ of ours that liked me, boy did he smell good and felt oh so yummy. So I used him. I made him my designated leaning post. More like a standing cuddle. If you’re in the primary dismenorrhea group I know you understand the need to ball up, fetal position and just be held or something nice feeling (sorry Mr Men for the girly invasion). He felt like everything man should feel like when you need to be held. Ugh. No digressing.

My friend always cracks me up telling me how I am drunk or high. How I was. I always sound crazy in a wild fun kind of way. I was super high. She hated me high but loved it. She said when I was high I became quiet vocally but it’s as if I turned up the volume on sex appeal. Like I turned into a seductress. Trying to lure the sailors overboard. She hated that I affected her. She wasn’t immune to my not so subtle teasing. I often felt sexy high, so I believed her tales about me. Drunk me she despised. She says I had no filter. Every thought the high me drummed up the drunk me vocalized. LOL.

We went out together a lot. Matter of fact, most times I went out it was due to her devises. We spent a lot of time in each others homes. We were Netflix binge watching  home bodies that enjoyed partying at nights. She enjoyed hearing the detailed stories of my past encounters. Rather, she loved the details. I didn’t have an issue dishing out the dirt.

One set of stories had to do with our other friends. Friends closer to me that had a desire to experience certain things that my ego had dibs on. So, soon enough she requested a dose of that life. I did it for her. To her. Yep. Moving on.

After a while we couldn’t even walk to training off campus together. My body liked her. Yes, my body. It released this intense heat when she got close to me. We couldn’t be alone together. Everything turned into something. Accidentally touch her elbow, something. She touched my toe, something. Everything turned into something. Ok, maybe not everything, but most things. (That was in case I do finally allow you to read my blog and you see this post, love you boo lol)

Everywhere was THE place.

My body liked her. My ego was in love. She only did what my ego taught her and it sure was an excellent instructor.

••••••••••

It’s Saturday night, and I’m struck by the thought that hell is for all eternity. That I would be completely aware of the pain, the torture and the torment. I imagined that eternal thirst.  Another thing she was used to, was me talking to myself or God out loud, so she listened quietly like always. I prayed, I cried,  I turned. As I allowed God to guide me back on that random Saturday night in the middle of an odd conversation, she told me that she’d come with me if that was the decision I was making. Why not? Were the sentiments she relayed.

Sunday morning I received my salvation in front of a loving body of strangers. Ending with terror that I’d walk out those anointed doors and back into the arms of hell.

Anyway. She got saved too. Then she got baptized. I have been so happy her soul is safe. Especially because I had a hand in laying out the bricks that were the road she was on that only lead to eternal damnation.

Now we are here. She’s coming to visit. I prayed the moment she said it. Holy spirit keep me faithful. Lord I thank you that I am a new creature in Christ. I thank you for curbing my desires. Keep us. What do I do? How do we coexist without sin?

I got insight. I couldn’t just not wear clothes in my room like we used to. I couldn’t just walk in the room out the shower and drop the towel, carefree like we used to. I mean, we played on 2 teams together, we’re used to the locker room nudity. We’ve roomed together on 4 tours. However, we had tainted our friendship so we are no longer governed by the same rules as others. We have to be lead by the holy spirit for a specific checklist and a specific modus operandi.

You are my biggest fear. Out of everything, you. If I’m being honest, I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do. But yeah, it’s you that I fear the most.  

I had been silent on the matter. I prayed the moment she said she was coming. But to hear the words from her mouth I thought, hmmm, thank you Lord.   Why? For her to admit that in her now transformed life, that falling into sexual sin with me was her biggest fear. That I, being the person that she could ask anything and everything about whatever she lacked wisdom in, was the kryptonite. That inspired thanksgiving. Because she was honest and because she recognized the desire as sinful.

We joked about the extremes we’d take to avoid each other while staying in the same space. We prayed. I can admit that to a very very miniscule extent I felt some negative emotion. Very minute. Who wants to be their friends weakness in Christ? But I thank God that He sets the standard and that He gives us wisdom in our conversations and interactions.

We will make Him proud.

Rae Sonson,
June 20, 2016,
23:30 p.m.

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