I actually did have sex with him
But not when you assumed we did
It hadn’t happened when you’d accused us, when you’d decided that we had soiled our garments, that we had broken our vows we stood right hand raised and professed, “until death”.
We hadn’t done it yet. We were too young. We weren’t ready. Well maybe he was because I could feel his salute, raised at the attention given by our embrace. We’d only just started kissing.
But yeah, I actually did have sex with him. Just not that year you slandered me. Slandered us.
Not the convention I missed to visit my father that your loveless judgment surmised I was away the cause being shame. Ashamed of what exactly? When did this soul tying encounter happen?
I must have missed it. He thought he must have missed it too.
I actually did have sex with him. It happened that year I was done. That year I wanted to decide who could enter, me. That year I had gathered my past, all the pains, stuffed them in with the ills of the day and folded the fears I had of what could have been my future, I was packed. Ready to leave, when is departure?
Duffle bag in hand I called my last ride. He picked up. Will you do me this one favour? He didn’t realize I had plans to leave. I might as well try it, and who else but him. What’s the point of dying whole? I might as well know this one so ‘well spoken of’ thing.
Are you sure? Yes. I am sure that my virtue won’t matter in the place I’m headed. He didn’t hear me say that. Good.
I layed down with him like I should have waited for my husband. I was terrified. You can imagine just how I bled. My body wouldn’t join me. It shut us out and taunted my aching mind. What if you get pregnant, just like your mother? What if you end up diseased? Why are you throwing away this thing you’ve treasured for so many years? Oh, you’re leaving anyway.
Yeah, I guess I forgot it didn’t matter where I was going. I was packed and ready to leave. I left my stains and took my shame home. My nape was covered with the evidence of what took place. I don’t know how or when that got there. I guess I’d left sooner than I thought.
So yes, I did sleep with him. But I wasn’t suppose to still be here, I wasn’t suppose to bear the shame, I wasn’t suppose to face a consequence, my agent had said the plane would leave, on that day. I thought perhaps that agent would have coaxed me but he just left. Left me packed, stained and physically hurting. Still alive.
I’m still alive and now I’ve lost my seal. My sacred seal. The white in my robe I gave away to purchase this one way ticket to the hell that never came. That wasn’t my destiny.
Stained. It took years to wash out. I was just thinking I was clean then I thought of his robust chest, his thunderous voice, his mole. He has a mole next to his beauty mark on the left side of his face. It’s even cuter when he smiles.
I guess I’m back to washing. I must stay clean.
June 24, 2016,