First off forgiveness has nothing to do with this. I have already forgiven. I have already loved beyond the damage done. So a lack of forgiveness has no place in how I feel right now.
Me extending the forgiveness I would want for myself has not changed this bad reaction I’m having to an old prescription I was illegally prescribed.
He is in America. Didn’t I see him enough in Jamaica?
God really does have confidence in me. God must really and truly believe in my ability to trust him through and in anything. Why else would he be in America?
So I heard that he arrived and I thought, hmmm must be nice. Then I heard, I have a friend that already wants to be with him, he says he wants to meet her too… So I think, I hope it goes well for them, she should enjoy the parts of him he had pressed up against my leg…wasn’t small…good for her That was a very strange thought to have had but anyway.
Then I heard, he’s coming for 4th of July…
You know those scenes in the movies when the ships start taking on water or the aircraft is losing altitude and pandemonium breaks loose and all you probably hear is ABORT ABORT ABORT or MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY?
I think my mind kinda sorta fell into that. WHAT, COMING WHERE??? WHY???? NOOO!!!!!
It’s one thing to have turned my life back over to God. It’s one thing to be preparing myself to be potentially ostracized because my balcony will no longer be the smoke spot and I will no longer be designated ‘roller’. To feel like an outcast amongst my family because I am no longer what or who I used to be. But to have my home invaded is a whole different scenario.
Forgiveness and letting go and moving on with my life has not changed the fact that just the thought of him coming to my home will cause me to feel naked and exposed. Forgiveness didn’t erase the memories of what he did, it simply removed the pain of the offense.
I’m not panicking but I feel like I’m on high alert. My sisters will be here, my little cousins, my female family, a pool is in the backyard. No I will not wear a bathing suit, no they can’t swim without me there, no one is allowed in the pool with the kids but me. No one is allowed upstairs unless thats where they’re sleeping, I decide the sleeping arrangements…
If I tell my mother she’ll potentially spazz and I’ll feel even more naked and embarrassed because they’ll all get on the phones and it’ll come out that it had happened. Yep, me again, another one of those stories, yep. I don’t remember telling anyone about it other than a visiting cousin near the first instances and even then she’d accused me of telling tales. She was a teenager, she simply thought I was upset about some triviality and that was my response, to tell a presumptuous lie.
I guess I can wear my winter coat until he leaves. And be Hawkeye to the vulnerable ones in my home.
What a wonderful 4th of July it’ll be!!!! Yay…..■■■
June 27, 2016,