For the longest I’ve just had this “longing” and of course, I’ve felt like this period of “longing” felt more intense and lasted longer than every other time in my life.
To be frank, someone’s libido was off the chart. Hahaha. Felt a little red in the face admitting that in writing lol. What do I do?
To make matters worse, I kept going on these trail rides down memory lane playing these dangerous games of “remember the time”. However, like the great good good Father he is, by the Holy Spirit my Father instructed me that I shouldn’t entertain the memories and that I should think on anything that is holy and pure and of a good report, etc, in those moments when my mind desires to play footsie with the urges flowing through my body.
It was going great. I was honest with my friends about how I was feeling. It really did feel like torture not being able to just have that specific hunger fed. But, it was important to me, still is, to make my Father proud and to demonstrate my love by resisting and by keeping his commands. I denied myself for so long.
Then I got busy and tired and exhausted emotionally and otherwise. I kept telling a friend that I felt as though something had gone awry but I just had no words to describe it. I felt distant. It was becoming even harder to just focus to pray. I would fantasize for hours before I realized I had strayed in thoughts while kneeling or laying to pray.
I had a system. I had devotions when I woke up and read a chapter of scripture before I went to bed. Only now, everything seemed too long and tiresome to be bothered with reading so I prayed for short passages and was lead to them. Then I was too tired at nights to even say more than thank you for another day Lord, then K.O.
I was too busy to make it to church. Then when I did make it Sunday morning it went south in an unexpected way and as much as it wasn’t so much about me and as much as I was sorry that whatever happened went how it did, unexpectedly, it still took one extra jab at my already depleted emotional good footing.
At some point I’d locked myself in the bathroom turned my music on and ran the shower just so no one could hear me crying. Sobbing. Drained and feeling like I took vacation from my ever present Father. He was there. He is here. But it wasn’t the same. I moved. I wasn’t in the same place anymore and that alone was taking its toll.
The shift in my position created room for so much I didn’t need having access to me at this point in my life. I felt depressed all over again, alone, abandoned and lacking and I just kept not looking like my Father. My words, actions and thoughts were a mess daily and I could feel myself condemning me in each moment. I tried to walk on water. But I kept looking away from Christ. I was sinking.
I only needed one drink to remind me how exhausted I was. One more to remind me my libido was on the rise. Another to dredge up emotions about things I can’t control.
I really just needed one too many to remind me I liked the taste and the feeling and the lack of self control. It didn’t take a lot to remind me I had enjoyed just the idea of simply existing, free from expectations and anything restrictive, like walking in purity and holiness and being whole.
It’s just so easy to sin and such a task to stand firm footed in Jesus Christ. His spirit in me quickly drew from the arsenal of his word hidden in my heart that ‘his strength is made perfect in my weakness’. I clung to it for as long as my obedience listened.
Then I simply fixated on the hungers of my flesh. I wanted a drink. I wanted a high. I wanted to be physically satisfied. Heck I even wanted to sleep. I was running low on sleep.
Then our bodies betrayed us. It felt good as wrong as it was/is. I prayed for us not to be given over to reprobate minds. I opened a door I’m fighting to shut. I’m nailing my Saviour anew.
I thank God for a conscience that is still alive and still aware of his requirements of me and that when I wake up He is still here.
I gotta get into my private prayer closet and have a good talk with my Father. I cannot afford to miss heaven and eternity with him. I cannot afford to be distracted from winning souls and helping others see him, especially seeing him in me. I cannot afford to stop loving him by doing wrong. I have to get alone with God.
July 8, 2016,