And My Cup Runs Over

When God provides, He does it ever so lavishly. 

I prayed for family. Not that I wasn’t born to any but more that I needed one. What does that mean?

Yeaaaah we’re related and Yeaaaah they’ve seen me cry but the ones that actually share those tears are not around. The ones that reach my heart and mind are too far to comfort but so much. So I prayed for family.

More so, I prayed for Godly family. Loving family. Family that cares to call when I don’t show up. Family that sees where I’m going and releases me from the chains of my past. Family that speaks life over me. Family that loves. Family that lives loved. Shows love. Family that corrects in love. Family how family should be. Safe. 

I got a family alright! Dem people just love mi! They’ve accepted me into a community I have never felt I ever deserved. I’ve never felt worth it. 

They hug fear and doubt away. They smile peace in my direction. 

I am forever grateful for this family of people. All quite odd in their own regards but so perfect just the way they are. From the brutally honest to the overly emotional. I love them all. 

God had blessed me beyond the scope of my imagination. I couldn’t have asked for this. I wouldn’t have had the words or knew the thoughts to piece together to requisition such a perfect gift. So I am just eternally grateful. 

I am now working on not regretting that my blood doesn’t always look like them. But  to instead keep rejoicing that God does all things well. 

He will teach and show us and use us to love His way. Purely and without condition. 

I know it!

My God’s a Lavisher. 

Rae Sonson, 

September 30, 2016,

11:26 p.m.

My Dorothy Has Gone Home…

…and I already miss her immensely. 

It seems it’s often in moments of loss that we remember or recognize the abundance in our days. 

She loved me for no reason I believe. Well, God loves me completely so He loved me through her and boy did she let Him use her. 

Everything He poured into her I could tell she poured out. She lived how I want to go home. Empty. Pouring out everything a loving God pours into me into everyone He puts in my paths.

“Pick one thing and do it well.” That’s the short version of her well needed counsel on not allowing myself to be pushed in many directions because I’m good at things. Being defined by people and waking up years later regretful. Decide on one thing, just one and give it my best, do it well. 

I miss my Dorothy but I haven’t lost because her work is finished and I’ve gained all she has shared and will apply it. 

I miss my Dorothy but we’ll meet again on the day of eternal praises. I’m excited to worship next to you.

Love you Dorothy Estelle. See you when my chariot comes 😉
Rae Sonson,

September 27, 2016,

19:12 p.m.

Loneliness was a Sham

Once upon a time I would have dreaded the idea of ever being alone. Hmmm,  as a matter of fact once upon I also would have dreaded the thought of being married to anyone. I guess my mind changed with both age and circumstance, as well as my sphere of influence – tv too. 

Ahmmm I don’t know. I had this idea that I must spend my life with someone. I felt as though I had to have someone that was solely mine. Mine and waiting when I got home or mine I was waiting for to get home. But, mine. 

Then my mind also changed about having children. Maybe I don’t mind. Maybe I want one of each and I’ll adopt a third. Maybe I’ll have twins since it’s in my immediate family line. If I do I’ll adopt whatever I don’t get. Maybe I’ll just have one. See how it goes. Hmmm I don’t know. 

What I do know is that while I was pining away over the loneliness of  rainy nights alone and the other multitude of things I had in my mind I needed to do with a significant other. While dragging myself down a sad road, I got a better deal. 

My mind was really messing with me. I was setting myself up for a life of depression should things not go how I so thoroughly planned. The better deal was this. For very different reasons I decided to get to know God. I mean really read the bible and pray and fellowship with believers and just surround myself with things that helped me find Him. 

In my quest, I got frustrated because He wouldn’t come out of hiding and He wouldn’t answer me audibly and touch me physically and show Himself standing right within my reach.

However, a good while later I began to search again. This time without any agendas. I searched simply to know Him. I searched wholeheartedly this round. Believe it or not He showed up. I felt Him. I saw Him. I heard Him. I recognized He was always there with me. 

Once I looked with every ounce of my being to simply encounter Him, my heart and eyes could see Him. I realize now that my agendas handicapped my ability to see Him and I looked right by Him day after day. 

I don’t know how to explain it without sitting here writing for days. But, what happened when I encountered Him was my heart changed. My whole desire changed. I received a fresh palate with a new appetite. I hungered for more of Him. 

I found Him and I can honestly say that if I lived in the mountains with the birds I’d still have this innate peace and joy and contentment that comes from knowing Him and knowing who I am in Him because of Him. 

If He decides I’ll be with someone I’ll gladly indulge but I’m not burdened by the sham of loneliness. I don’t get lonely no mo lol. I genuinely don’t experience loneliness anymore. I just see things differently. A fresh perspective. I miss people but I don’t get lonely. I get bored but not lonely. 

I finally finally finally received and accepted this complete love of His and it fills all my empty spaces. 

I do exercise wisdom though, I don’t get isolated. I honour His call to fellowship and community. 

Rae Sonson,

September 13, 2016,

11:08 a.m.

I Am LOVE

Your love exposes me.

Naked. Nude. Uncovered. Wide open. It testifies to truths I hid.
I’m not perfect. I don’t have it all together. I don’t know everything. I have failed and I have judged and I have harshly criticized.

Your love reveals.
It tells me it’s okay to be the me You’ve written. The one I’ve often left standing by the way. She’s too unpopular. She doesn’t fit the molds they’ve made for me to smile in. I cannot make their sin happy if I leave mine to follow You. She doesn’t fit in here. Ostracized.

Your love covers.
I’ve often hated the stories my mind envisions and the tales my heart tells. I have mostly hated my words as they depart my lips. I have mostly hated me. I have hated lacking You.

Your love enfolds me.
I have no excuse to be anything less than the example You layed. Without sin. Kind. Loving. Patient. Full of goodness. Faithfulness. Joy. Peace. Gentleness. I have no excuse for befriending a lack of self control. My life should reflect You even though Your love pardons. Your love is not my excuse to falter. Incessantly. There must be a change. In me.

Your love completes me.
I spent years longing for love from so many places. Hours, days, weeks even months dreaming of better tomorrows and reliving broken yesterdays. But Your love completes me.

Your love was paid in FULL.

Your love is my freedom.

Your love is who You are.

Your love is who I am.

I am Love. Therefore I love.

©iamakingsonson


Rae Sonson,

September 1, 2016,

21:24 p.m.