Once upon a time I would have dreaded the idea of ever being alone. Hmmm, as a matter of fact once upon I also would have dreaded the thought of being married to anyone. I guess my mind changed with both age and circumstance, as well as my sphere of influence – tv too.
Ahmmm I don’t know. I had this idea that I must spend my life with someone. I felt as though I had to have someone that was solely mine. Mine and waiting when I got home or mine I was waiting for to get home. But, mine.
Then my mind also changed about having children. Maybe I don’t mind. Maybe I want one of each and I’ll adopt a third. Maybe I’ll have twins since it’s in my immediate family line. If I do I’ll adopt whatever I don’t get. Maybe I’ll just have one. See how it goes. Hmmm I don’t know.
What I do know is that while I was pining away over the loneliness of rainy nights alone and the other multitude of things I had in my mind I needed to do with a significant other. While dragging myself down a sad road, I got a better deal.
My mind was really messing with me. I was setting myself up for a life of depression should things not go how I so thoroughly planned. The better deal was this. For very different reasons I decided to get to know God. I mean really read the bible and pray and fellowship with believers and just surround myself with things that helped me find Him.
In my quest, I got frustrated because He wouldn’t come out of hiding and He wouldn’t answer me audibly and touch me physically and show Himself standing right within my reach.
However, a good while later I began to search again. This time without any agendas. I searched simply to know Him. I searched wholeheartedly this round. Believe it or not He showed up. I felt Him. I saw Him. I heard Him. I recognized He was always there with me.
Once I looked with every ounce of my being to simply encounter Him, my heart and eyes could see Him. I realize now that my agendas handicapped my ability to see Him and I looked right by Him day after day.
I don’t know how to explain it without sitting here writing for days. But, what happened when I encountered Him was my heart changed. My whole desire changed. I received a fresh palate with a new appetite. I hungered for more of Him.
I found Him and I can honestly say that if I lived in the mountains with the birds I’d still have this innate peace and joy and contentment that comes from knowing Him and knowing who I am in Him because of Him.
If He decides I’ll be with someone I’ll gladly indulge but I’m not burdened by the sham of loneliness. I don’t get lonely no mo lol. I genuinely don’t experience loneliness anymore. I just see things differently. A fresh perspective. I miss people but I don’t get lonely. I get bored but not lonely.
I finally finally finally received and accepted this complete love of His and it fills all my empty spaces.
I do exercise wisdom though, I don’t get isolated. I honour His call to fellowship and community.
September 13, 2016,