THE Vision Board 

“Write the vision, make it plain!” 

That has been the jingle in my head since the night the women of Who Art Thou My Daughter  Ministries,  shared their idea of piecing together their hopes of the future, small or large onto construction paper and holding themselves accountable. 

Making preparations where necessary. Taking bold steps in some places/ directions. Changing a norm if needs be. 

They had a vision board party of the sorts recently and for some reason I simply felt I’d be a misfit had I attended. So, I didn’t go. *shrugs* 

However, not attending the event hadn’t deterred my mind from clinging to the “jingle” and mapping out the perfect section of my bedroom wall to fit this, vision. 

I am here…

…I am currently cutting out ‘thoughts’ and images that I think would convey what’s inside my head. 

Things that best showcase my hopes for the future.

I AM TERRIFIED!

Listen, I don’t know what happened but as I cut I’ve been praying; asking God what this vision should entail and to remind me of some things. 

Well, I guess the things scared me!

One thought that stuck out as the  things came back into play was this, you see, I had a passion for a certain thing leaving high school. That was what I had known deep in my heart, and gut, that that  thing was what I should do. That was where my heart was. 

I shared it with someone that was very instrumental in my decision making processes relating to my future after high school and it was shot down in one of the most brutal ways. 

It was gunned down and buried. It hurt my soul. It made me feel so horribly rejected and I don’t know why rejection was something to even feel in that moment but it presented itself and demanded my embrace and it got it. 

Other opportunities arose for me to pursue this passion but my adult support saw it as an undesirable road. 

So I enrolled into the Faculty of Law. Hated it. Transferred to the School of Hospitality & Tourism Management after less than a year I believe. Disliked that but I stuck it out seen as I disliked it the least of all my options in the whole university curriculum. 

So now I remember my dream and I’m afraid to write it down. I am afraid to have my hearts desires seen. I am afraid they will be killed. 

I  certainly didn’t expect emotions doing this but I thank God I am here. 

Uncovering a buried wound and allowing it air to heal. 

Now I’m determined to finish this vision board! It’s kinda corny but I’m mostly   excited to wake up each day and be reminded that because of God, I have hope of a future.

I wonder if I’ll discover anything else hidden in my heart?

This is kind of freeing! 

Rae Sonson,

December 8,2016,

23:13 p.m.

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HopeFULL 

Grandma had asked me if I wanted a party. I said no. 

I was surprised to walk into church on a night Tiana and I had to minister, to find my mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, cousins, friend and extended family all sitting pretty and proud to see their success on my face.

Yep, they surprised me. Apparently I was having a party. 

I saw them, I saw them all, but my new eyes and renewed mind did an unexpected thing. They guided me pass them all straight to my mom. 

Very odd. Very strange. Quite unexpected. 

I surprised me. 

It felt right. It felt good. I felt happy.

I was looking at this picture of us from lastnight and I thought, “look what God has done”. 

Just last year I could barely sit in the same room with her, let alone take a picture smiling. 

My heart feels ok to smile now. 

We still have some ways to go. Not together though, individually. We have some individual ways to go growing and trusting God and as we do that he heals us. 

I’ve missed my mom. A whole lot. God has healed me. Healed my heart, healed my mind, healed my emotions and my relationship. He’s healed my ability to trust and to hope. He’s removed the fear to embrace joy and happiness. 

His perfect love casted out that fear. 

I wanted her so much for so long, got her, gave up God, lost her, God restored my identity, called me beloved (made me be able to hear him calling me beloved again), gave me my mom back. On his terms. 

Ooooh and my mom met my spiritual mom and father. That, that was the magic of the evening. My heart felt as good as complete. They embraced, they smiled, they loved me…together. 

Ugh, I am loved. Loved by a ginormous God. 

I am loved. Completely.

I have hope for a future now. I actually believe that there is purpose to my existence and the madness and pain and turmoil and unanswered questions and roadblocks and unnecessary issues. There is a purpose to my pain. 

I am hopeFULL.

Thanks to God. 

Rae Sonson,

December 5, 2016,

21:58 p.m.