Grandma had asked me if I wanted a party. I said no.
I was surprised to walk into church on a night Tiana and I had to minister, to find my mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, cousins, friend and extended family all sitting pretty and proud to see their success on my face.
Yep, they surprised me. Apparently I was having a party.
I saw them, I saw them all, but my new eyes and renewed mind did an unexpected thing. They guided me pass them all straight to my mom.
Very odd. Very strange. Quite unexpected.
I surprised me.
It felt right. It felt good. I felt happy.
I was looking at this picture of us from lastnight and I thought, “look what God has done”.
Just last year I could barely sit in the same room with her, let alone take a picture smiling.
My heart feels ok to smile now.
We still have some ways to go. Not together though, individually. We have some individual ways to go growing and trusting God and as we do that he heals us.
I’ve missed my mom. A whole lot. God has healed me. Healed my heart, healed my mind, healed my emotions and my relationship. He’s healed my ability to trust and to hope. He’s removed the fear to embrace joy and happiness.
His perfect love casted out that fear.
I wanted her so much for so long, got her, gave up God, lost her, God restored my identity, called me beloved (made me be able to hear him calling me beloved again), gave me my mom back. On his terms.
Ooooh and my mom met my spiritual mom and father. That, that was the magic of the evening. My heart felt as good as complete. They embraced, they smiled, they loved me…together.
Ugh, I am loved. Loved by a ginormous God.
I am loved. Completely.
I have hope for a future now. I actually believe that there is purpose to my existence and the madness and pain and turmoil and unanswered questions and roadblocks and unnecessary issues. There is a purpose to my pain.
I am hopeFULL.
Thanks to God.
December 5, 2016,