I was praying today and I don’t know, but I just didn’t want to ask God for anything. Not for safety, good health, boldness,…nothing. I told Him I simply wanted to say thank you.
As I continued, I could feel this frog forming in my throat. I was getting choked up about asking my Father for anything. I mean, He says we should “let our requests be made known”.
Then as I began just thanking Him I heard Him say, “ask me”. I respectfully declined the offer and told Him I was just there in that intimate moment for the opportunity to say thanks. Again He urged me, “ask me”.
Well of course at this point I’m bawling. So again He says, “ask me”. So I start out reminding Him how I know He says we should tell Him everything and that we can “ask Him” anything and that He already knows everything but He still wants to hear from us, to talk with us. Almost kind of beating around the bush.
I went ahead and I asked the questions that were on my heart; the things I wanted for me, not to replace Him but to achieve certain goals and so on.
However, prior to the asking, in the middle of thanking, somewhere in the mix of reminding Him of how good He has been to me, I realized something. As He brought it before me I could understand my hesitation to ask. I wasn’t only hesitant, I was afraid.
I was afraid to ask even though I know Him to be faithful. I know Him as provider and comforter and all the things I ever would need, He is. Still I found myself in a tearful conversation with Him about just how surprised I am every single time He is himself to me. Every time He shows up I am as shocked as the last time. I began telling Him how I believe when I ask but I still have reservations because of our time difference. So I’m afraid to ask because I may have to wait and sometimes the wait feels a lot like “nope its not gonna happen”. That doesn’t ever feel good.
So by the time I got done bawling through the thank you’s and thanking Him for the ‘surprises’, I was more comfortable asking. Why? I was reminded that every single time He did respond. In His own time of course, but He did respond. He did show up, He did work things out, shut some doors, open others, strengthen, remove and even build; in every area of my life. My mind having had the biggest overhaul of them all.
So I asked, but I did without the weight of what I recognize now was worry and anxiety, I asked without fear of having to probably wait on a God who knows what He’s doing. It doesn’t ever feel good to not always know what He’s doing or be able to see where He’s taking me or understand why He allows some of the things He does but He cannot deny Himself.
He is innately good and He is love. He cannot do me harm simply because He said so. He holds His words higher than His very name and His name saves us! So I am absolutely certain WE are in good hands. Mighty hands.
Every time I am intimate with Him he shows me more of me while revealing more of Himself and I leave having learned how to better relate to those around me because of the encounter.
His presence is really freeing and in a world where so many things make demands of us, it is like fresh air having freedom in Him, it is necessary, necessary to our survival.
January 2, 2017,