Sleeves Full of Stains

It’s the perfect time for reflection. The perfect season; though I wasn’t reflecting.

Actually, I have a jeans jacket sitting on my bed. I took it from my closet to bleach it into something new. 

However, it’s a jacket I’ve had since high school and even since then I couldn’t tell you where I got it from. 

But I wore it alot.

And like all the jackets I wore alot in high school, I rolled the sleeves up to reveal blood stains up both arms. 

That’s how I ended up here, reflecting.

How Jesus knew I would need him those 7 plus years ago, and because of his almost incomprehensible love, died so I could have access to his comfort, renewal and refreshing.

He spent those 3 days in the ground defeating the things that would try to suffocate my purpose, stifle my true identity and ultimately be the premature death of me. 

Then on the 3rd day, he ROSE!

He got up with ALL POWER! 

Then *plot twist*!!!! 

Peep this, BEFORE he left he spoke this sweet victory over us, he said:

“I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.  You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father.  Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!

John 14:12‭-‬14 NLT

http://bible.com/116/jhn.14.12-14.NLT

Now I know for certain that I have no deficiencies.

In Christ Jesus WE have NO deficiencies.

Everything we need is found in him. 

Because of his sacrifice and complete love we win, everytime.

Just because he suffered, died, and rose for us, we can look at old blood stains in old jackets, or even in mirrors that in former days only told us lies, that we were anything but beautiful and not only remember that he saved us from ourselves and from the lies of the enemy, but we can have confident hope that this isn’t where our stories end.

The best is STILL yet to come!

There is more to you and I than the places we have been, are passing through and will end up. 

There is more to our story- we will see God! 
Rae Sonson,

April 15, 2017,

22:53 p.m.

Why Do I Feel Like I Betrayed Love?

I was up but still laying in bed, unable to reenter that peaceful place of tranquility. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I kept hearing the grinding sound of grandma’s elliptical machine a whole floor below me.

Then the sound of glass shattering reached into my chest and gripped my heart momentarily crippling my ability to run from danger but instead urged me towards the noise.  I was terrified but I had heard my younger cousin shout, “Grandma!”

I thought she fell. I thought I was running downstairs to find my grandma covered in glass on the floor hurt. I grabbed some clothes, getting dressed in strides down the stairs.

She isn’t in the room, “where’s grandma what’s happening?”

I see this young female storm into grandma’s room just off of the kitchen and I thought, “Why is he and my aunt fussing?” Then the phantom woman turned a round and I had no clue who she was. All I knew is, my cousin is about to kill who ever this woman is.

All the while grandma is on the elliptical, earphones in, completely  oblivious to the ruckus in the kitchen immediately behind her.

I get between them and I ask my cousin to walk away so I can help this lady to safety, outside his reach and outside my home.

“I don’t know where I am, I’m not from here, where am I?” The terror in her voice shook me. 

I asked her what happened and I asked him.

The stories saw one major difference. She thought he owed her payment, he thought he did not.

Once my grandmother was finally alerted she came out to where I was, trying to help this woman I did not know collect herself and find her bearings and chased her off of her property.

She asked no questions. She took one look, deduced what her business with my cousin was and chased her away with as many colourful words as the moment offered her.

I felt my heart hurt. I felt my love begin to cry. 

This was not right. What was happening to this woman was not okay.

My grandmother fussed with my cousin about bringing trouble into her house. 

The woman called the police for help.

She was taken to the hospital while the police made us aware that she would be charged for prostitution since even though neither of them willingly admitted it at first, they had also looked at her, and coupled her demeanour with the wisdom of their job and decided it “sex for money”.

He was however taken in and charged for disturbing the peace and released following finger printing and the routine.

It all happened and none of us tried to see her side. She was charged before the police arrived. 

I cried when my grandmother ordered me inside and shut the door on her out in the cold and unaware of her surroundings face swollen from being assaulted by my kin. 

I don’t know why their agreement turned sour and ended how it did. I don’t know what she did to him. I don’t know what he did to her entirely.

I saw all the glass in the floor. I saw him hauling her across the kitchen when I ran and stepped in. I told him to leave the house when she first said she was calling the police. And though I also helped convince him to return, I had at first betrayed love and was willing to cover for him.

I felt like one of  “those women” who wash the bloody clothes then go out with placards crying for justice. 

I was guilty of a lack of love.

Love doesn’t hide wrongs.

Love doesn’t chase chase woman, even if she is a sex worker, out into the cold when it is obvious that she has no idea where she is and how to leave.

My love was silent and it has had me guilty in my own conscience and hurt in my own heart.

I felt like I betrayed her.

I felt like she was even offered help. Simply charged.

Her bruises barely acknowledged though her jaw was swollen near shut.

I helped her get no justice. 

She was wrong. He was wrong. But I was wrong too.

I could only pray for her redemption after the fact. I could only pray God infiltrated her day and allowed her to somewhere  encounter His love and see that he made her beautiful and that he made her whole.

I prayed my Love would shoe her his love and that he would ultimately save her soul.

I decided to love too late and I hope that my loving her too late is enough.
Rae Sonson.

April 10th, 2017.
I pray for your freedom!

Yours, his and my grandmother’s.

Just So You Know #1 &Tiny Letter #2

I realize I have had a lot to say about my mother on here. Not in an attempt to paint her evil but rather, to free myself by facing what I have either never said out loud or realized I was feeling until I saw myself write it.

To God be the glory I have been healed and I have been able to forgive completely. Daily.

 

Tiny Letter #2

I need you to forgive again. Every time you remember, forgive again.

Don’t allow your heart to ever forget to let heavy things go.

It may hurt to keep being hopeful but on the other side of hope is a realized future, keep hoping, keep believing.

God cannot lie, so do not ever believe the lie that your trust is misplaced.

Hope in God.

Grow in God.

Believe God.

Be as gracious to those around you as God has been to you; even the ones who hurt you over and over again and yourself.

You received grace, so give grace, live graciously.

Stay progressive, do not ever stop moving.

Every step you make with God is progress.

So keep walking.

Don’t stress because He hasn’t allowed you to see whats ahead. Simply trust Him.

He’s pretty good at being God.

Love,

Rae.

 

March 13, 2017,

18:16 p.m.

 

 

You Don’t Have To Come Home

I would have traded my God for you,

and I did.

I would have told Him, “No, there is no longer room for you here,”

just so you would have room enough to be my everything,

and I did.

When I had found myself shut out of hearts that beckoned me home in the name of ‘love’,

I sat in dark lanes and begged for you.

I asked Him for you,

I looked over and around His love;

overlooked Him searching for you.

Then you came home,

and now I realize that you would have been poison.

I would have never met His love had I first learned love from you.

You chose absence and it cost you that lesson.

The necessary study of ‘Who,what and where is Love’.

Absent from His heart and mind you’ve been trying to find love,

but you won’t find it outside of Him.

We, me and Him,

we were good.

He was there when life stopped being easy.

He was there when the darkness daily tormented me.

He was there when the light often had me petrified.

He was there when loneliness meant the death of me.

He redefined me.

He’s always had me, always held me.

I sat in the stillness of what could have been pleasant  days,

agonizing,

“Will she ever come back for me?”

Then you came home

and I wasn’t what you came for.

You had come to collect your bag of precious memories today,

mull over your mother’s ills,

your father’s glory,

your families pains.

“Can she see me standing here, waiting?”

I have been waiting to know your name,

to see if your heart favours mine,

to hear if your voice has desire to rise;

barricaded.

Blocked, barred and walled off from who we could have been;

I waited in vain,

I’m waiting in vain it seems.

I thought you came home but you had only come to see if I was where you wanted to be.

And I haven’t been.

Mommy, I wish you’d stop visiting,

I wish you would see my street and keep driving,

that the construction work on my life would deter you,

and you would try another day but never do.

Consider me a  hydrant and lets maintain that 15 feet,

simply because you drain me.

Each time I see a silver lining you change the colour of the sky.

I sense you’re becoming a rainbow I never hope to see.

So, the next time you think of coming home,

please don’t.

Love, me.

©iamakingsonson

Rae Sonson,

March 13, 2017,

17:17 p.m.

“E. T. Phone Home”

You never quite realize how simple life was, till yuh affi live a farrin…maaaan when yuh affi decide which coconut wata more natural yuh know yuh nuh deh a Jamaica none tall.

Then to go from the “city” (cidy hahaha) because yuh love green space and listening to the wind in the trees, to “country”, nooo man, NUH WEH NUH BETTA DAN YAAD! 

Everywhere in Jamaica was nice and close. Even the places I needed extra bug spray and lots of sunblock to get to or stay in. 

These 2/3 hour commute rough pon a small island girl. 

More specifically, these 2/3 hours commute without breath taking sceneries are very rough. 

A four hours drive to the country in Jamaica was relaxing and full of life and vigour. There is always so much to see. Even when Fern Gully was depleting it was still beautiful to pass through. The nice blue seas. The bright vibrant colours of EVERYTHING. 

I need a vacation to go exploring. I need to fill this hunger for lively engaging culture and nature and fresh crisp air. 

Yes, fresh air. 

Oooh, fresh sea breeze! 

I miss the choices I had: beach, river, waterfalls,….steam fish, fish tea, ackee and salt fish, kidney….I could eat some kidney right now. I just don’t know if I trust farrin meat to trust that if the package say kidney is kidney; from a goat that was a regular goat. Lol.

And if Summer think it going come and go again and nuh beach wata nuh see mi toe dem it mek a sad mistake.

 Then again, there’s real beach and then there’s beach in this the Northeast where the water is rough and frigid and the sand is desert hot. 

I have not yet unlocked the secret fun and magic of living in this place. 

I will though. Soon enough. 

Then I will have two places that make my heart happy. 

My island home and my soon to be northeast haven. 

Until then, E.T. is going to the South and if the South offers no appeasement then we are back to phoning home. 
Rae Sonson,

February 19, 2017,

23:49 p.m.

I HAVE TO believe…

…that the residue is gone. 

So I burned what was left of “us”. 

I mean, I gave you back to God a good while now, in addition to being taught how to love you the right way. From a distance.

I’m not hung up on you. Anymore. 

HOWEVER, I don’t know, well I do know but yeah…

I know I’m delivered and I know I’m free from it all. Christ has made me free. I know. But I have this inner struggle, this battle in my mind, that if I notice that I have noticed something I used to notice then something has to be wrong or at least, a little off. That somehow I’ve still got some of the “bad” in me. 

That is a lie. 

I read as much of the Truth as I could digest and I believed it and I followed it and stayed accountable to God himself but here I was again noticing that I noticed something the old identity was drawn to. 

Am I really cleansed? 

So I joined the line, at this conference to release this and that and I walked unashamed with the boxes branded with the things I was realeasing. Fear and insecurity. I noticed someone else carrying LUST  and I could feel something outside myself try to bring me back to that place of condemnation but I knew within my heart that I hadn’t shared that load so I left that box alone. 

I left those boxes before God and walked away even more whole. 

But I still felt like my eyes and mind would betray me. I still felt like they’d join forces and activate a dead flesh and call it to engage. 

So, was I really completely washed?

So I joined yet another line and this time I let myself let go. I was free but my mind was stuck in a box. So I opened my mouth and asked for the help I needed to get rid of this residue; the lingering smell of who I thought I was and all that went with it. 

My hands were washed symbolically and I received it in my heart, mind and spirit that I was now 100% stain free. 

Who may ascend the mountain of the Lord ? Who may stand in his holy place?  The one who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not trust in an idol or swear by a false god.

Psalm 24:3‭-‬4 NIV

http://bible.com/111/psa.24.3-4.NIV

I have now seen my freedom in burning the physical residue and in cleansing from the emotional, spiritual and mental residues. 

I have had to actively walk this out.  

I won’t lie and say that it has been a walk in the park. Everyday presents it’s unique opportunities to see God move on our behalfs, in mine I have to choose to identify myself as the cleansed daughter of God. Remind my brain who I am and remind my emotions and my thoughts that I am renewed. 

I am not who I was. I don’t have to do it alone. I don’t ever again have to hang my head in shame or condemnation. Christ has made me free. 

I am healed because God has healed me. 

I am 100% residue free. A whole new creation in Christ. 
Rae Sonson,

February 9th, 2017,

00:53 a.m.

SURPRISE SURPRISE

I was praying today and I don’t know, but I just didn’t want to ask God for anything. Not for safety, good health, boldness,…nothing. I told Him I simply wanted to say thank you.

As I continued, I could feel this frog forming in my throat. I was getting choked up about asking my Father for anything. I mean, He says we should “let our requests be made known”.

Then as I began just thanking Him I heard Him say, “ask me”. I respectfully declined the offer and told Him I was just there in that intimate moment for the opportunity to say thanks. Again He urged me, “ask me”.

Well of course at this point I’m bawling. So again He says, “ask me”. So I start out reminding Him how I know He says we should tell Him everything and that we can “ask Him” anything and that He already knows everything but He still wants to hear from us, to talk with us. Almost kind of beating around the bush.

I went ahead and I asked the questions that were on my heart; the things I wanted for me, not to replace Him but to achieve certain goals and so on.

However, prior to the asking, in the middle of thanking, somewhere in the mix of reminding Him of how good He has been to me, I realized something. As He brought it before me I could understand my hesitation to ask. I wasn’t only hesitant, I was afraid.

I was afraid to ask even though I know Him to be faithful. I know Him as provider and comforter and all the things I ever would need, He is. Still I found myself in a tearful conversation with Him about just how surprised I am every single time He is himself to me. Every time He shows up I am as shocked as the last time. I began telling Him how I believe when I ask but I still have reservations because of our time difference. So I’m afraid to ask because I may have to wait and sometimes the wait feels a lot like “nope its not gonna happen”. That doesn’t ever feel good.

So by the time I got done bawling through the thank you’s and thanking Him for the ‘surprises’, I was more comfortable asking. Why? I was reminded that every single time He did respond. In His own time of course, but He did respond. He did show up, He did work things out, shut some doors, open others, strengthen, remove and even build; in every area of my life. My mind having had the biggest overhaul of them all.

So I asked, but I did without the weight of what I recognize now was worry and anxiety, I asked without fear of having to probably wait on a God who knows what He’s doing. It doesn’t ever feel good to not always know what He’s doing or be able to see where He’s taking me or understand why He allows some of the things He does but He cannot deny Himself.

He is innately good and He is love. He cannot do me harm simply because He said so. He holds His words higher than His very name and His name saves us! So I am absolutely certain WE are in good hands. Mighty hands.

Every time I am intimate with Him he shows me more of me  while revealing more of Himself and I leave having learned how to better relate to those around me because of the encounter.

His presence is really freeing and in a world where so many things make demands of us, it is like fresh air having freedom in Him, it is necessary, necessary to our survival.

 

Rae Sonson,

January 2, 2017,

22:18 p.m.

THE Vision Board 

“Write the vision, make it plain!” 

That has been the jingle in my head since the night the women of Who Art Thou My Daughter  Ministries,  shared their idea of piecing together their hopes of the future, small or large onto construction paper and holding themselves accountable. 

Making preparations where necessary. Taking bold steps in some places/ directions. Changing a norm if needs be. 

They had a vision board party of the sorts recently and for some reason I simply felt I’d be a misfit had I attended. So, I didn’t go. *shrugs* 

However, not attending the event hadn’t deterred my mind from clinging to the “jingle” and mapping out the perfect section of my bedroom wall to fit this, vision. 

I am here…

…I am currently cutting out ‘thoughts’ and images that I think would convey what’s inside my head. 

Things that best showcase my hopes for the future.

I AM TERRIFIED!

Listen, I don’t know what happened but as I cut I’ve been praying; asking God what this vision should entail and to remind me of some things. 

Well, I guess the things scared me!

One thought that stuck out as the  things came back into play was this, you see, I had a passion for a certain thing leaving high school. That was what I had known deep in my heart, and gut, that that  thing was what I should do. That was where my heart was. 

I shared it with someone that was very instrumental in my decision making processes relating to my future after high school and it was shot down in one of the most brutal ways. 

It was gunned down and buried. It hurt my soul. It made me feel so horribly rejected and I don’t know why rejection was something to even feel in that moment but it presented itself and demanded my embrace and it got it. 

Other opportunities arose for me to pursue this passion but my adult support saw it as an undesirable road. 

So I enrolled into the Faculty of Law. Hated it. Transferred to the School of Hospitality & Tourism Management after less than a year I believe. Disliked that but I stuck it out seen as I disliked it the least of all my options in the whole university curriculum. 

So now I remember my dream and I’m afraid to write it down. I am afraid to have my hearts desires seen. I am afraid they will be killed. 

I  certainly didn’t expect emotions doing this but I thank God I am here. 

Uncovering a buried wound and allowing it air to heal. 

Now I’m determined to finish this vision board! It’s kinda corny but I’m mostly   excited to wake up each day and be reminded that because of God, I have hope of a future.

I wonder if I’ll discover anything else hidden in my heart?

This is kind of freeing! 

Rae Sonson,

December 8,2016,

23:13 p.m.

HopeFULL 

Grandma had asked me if I wanted a party. I said no. 

I was surprised to walk into church on a night Tiana and I had to minister, to find my mom, sisters, grandma, aunt, cousins, friend and extended family all sitting pretty and proud to see their success on my face.

Yep, they surprised me. Apparently I was having a party. 

I saw them, I saw them all, but my new eyes and renewed mind did an unexpected thing. They guided me pass them all straight to my mom. 

Very odd. Very strange. Quite unexpected. 

I surprised me. 

It felt right. It felt good. I felt happy.

I was looking at this picture of us from lastnight and I thought, “look what God has done”. 

Just last year I could barely sit in the same room with her, let alone take a picture smiling. 

My heart feels ok to smile now. 

We still have some ways to go. Not together though, individually. We have some individual ways to go growing and trusting God and as we do that he heals us. 

I’ve missed my mom. A whole lot. God has healed me. Healed my heart, healed my mind, healed my emotions and my relationship. He’s healed my ability to trust and to hope. He’s removed the fear to embrace joy and happiness. 

His perfect love casted out that fear. 

I wanted her so much for so long, got her, gave up God, lost her, God restored my identity, called me beloved (made me be able to hear him calling me beloved again), gave me my mom back. On his terms. 

Ooooh and my mom met my spiritual mom and father. That, that was the magic of the evening. My heart felt as good as complete. They embraced, they smiled, they loved me…together. 

Ugh, I am loved. Loved by a ginormous God. 

I am loved. Completely.

I have hope for a future now. I actually believe that there is purpose to my existence and the madness and pain and turmoil and unanswered questions and roadblocks and unnecessary issues. There is a purpose to my pain. 

I am hopeFULL.

Thanks to God. 

Rae Sonson,

December 5, 2016,

21:58 p.m.

Tiny Letter #1

Never let things you want cause you to forget the things you have.

I need you to get out of tomorrows plans and be hopeful for today. Grateful. 

DON’T be saddened by the tomorrow you can not yet see physically, but be a good steward over the things you have today. Make them beautiful. 

Let today be your most hope filled day. Be hope FULL. Believe in what’s around the bend by remaining hopefully engaged in treasuring the special things of today and working joyfully at the future.

Have faith in action. Have faith enough to be still. Have faith that lasts and doesn’t run out on the darkest of days/seasons. On the beautiful days see the sunshine but on those stormy days live expecting that rainbow. 

Don’t ever lose hope. It is a necessary ingredient to your faith.

Love. 

Rae. 

November 6, 2016,

1:34 a.m.